Pissed off pessimist

Round 3 of IVF is essentially done and dusted. I had egg pick up 4 days ago, with 15 eggs collected and 12 fertilized. This is exactly the same as last time. Great numbers, but same crappy outlook.
We completely changed the game plan with my doctor at the last minute. It seems that we won’t actually have embryos make it far enough to do PGD testing on. If last cycle is anything to go by, we would be lucky if even one survived to day 5 blastocyst. With this in mind, it was decided that we opt for a day 3 transfer, without any testing. This is not often done at my clinic. The theory is if an embryo is not strong enough to make it to day 5 in the lab, then it’s probably not strong enough to result in a viable pregnancy. But in my case, if they won’t make it to day 5 in the lab, then we will have to take our chances with a couple surviving after being returned to my body.
Transfer day was yesterday. I had heard from the lab day two and knew at this stage none of my embryos were where they should be (surprise!). I accepted this quite easily – I think the girls in the lab are used to more tears and distress when delivering bad news. I wonder if they take my lack of emotion as apathy or indifference? This is certainly not the case; I’m just so pessimistic about the process now that I am expecting bad news. Anyway, I digress.
We went in for the day three transfer, where we would return two embryos to hopefully increase our chances. We sat down with one of the lab techs to talk about the process. She had chosen our two ‘best’ embryos to transfer. In our case, best means 4 cell instead of 8 (where they should be at this stage) with high rates of fragmentation (meaning they are already starting to show signs of dying). She wasn’t super hopeful about their chances but it’s the best we had. They will continue to grow the rest out to day 5 and hopefully freeze them, but I don’t feel it’s likely any will survive.
So the two week wait begins. And man does it drag!! I am not at all hopeful about my chances, but still have that little voice whispering ‘what if’ that I keep pushing down to the back of my mind. Even if the ‘what if’ turns into ‘yes it did’, many hurdles still stand in the way. There’s about a 70% chance any pregnancy I did achieve would be with an ‘unbalanced’ embryo due to my chromosome translocation. That would almost certainly end in first term miscarriage.
Oh the joys.
So I wait. And try to get on with life. The clinic and my doctor are very positive about the donor egg process which we will move onto if this fails. But first, a break for a while. And more waiting. I’m about the least patient person you’ll meet, which makes for interesting times ahead.

“I don’t consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin.”
Leonard Cohen



Posted on May 30, 2014, in 2014 - The year of living uncomfortably. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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