Ok, now I change things up a bit. From now on I’m going to start writing in present tense, because, well, this is now current.
Until now this has been a process of a sort of therapy for me. Writing everything down as a way of thinking things through and hopefully gaining a feeling of control again over everything.
I have been writing retrospectively as I only started putting words to paper/blog a short time ago. I want to keep adding to this as things happen, but now in present tense.
I have put this blog out there in the web-universe for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, I would love for this to be a way of communicating what I’m going through to my friends and family. I am happy for people to know what’s happening, but its tough relaying information over and over again.
Also, for people I don’t know who are going through a similar time to me. May you stumble accross this blog the way I have stumbled accross so many others, and take comfort in knowing you are not the only person going through it, just as I did.
So – where to now?
As I write this I anxiously await our genetic counselling appointment on the 22nd of April. This happens to be the first day at school for term 2 and yet another missed day of work for me. My health and potential pregnancy has got to be a priority for me at this stage in my life, but it is very hard to juggle the demands of work and not let the kids down. But I’ll continue to try.
I don’t know how much the genetic cousellor will tell us that we don’t already know, but I’m hoping we get some information specific to my particular case.
And then what? Do we continue with IVF and PGD or go straight to donor eggs? The amount of money this process has cost us to date is mounting and its hard to see the money you worked hard to save disappear on medical bills that so far have yeilded no positive outcomes.
My obvious preference would be to carry a baby that is my own – genetically. But what if we go though another year and many IVF procedures and don’t end up getting pregnant. I’m not sure if this is a prospect I could handle emotionally, physically and financially.
THe donor egg route is also a difficult one. This is a process full of restrictions in Australia. I am so very very lucky that I am loved, and have already had my sister and several close friends offer me there eggs. I feel truly blessed with this and it does make me feel that I will be able to be pregnant myself one day – whether the baby is biologcally mine or not. To these people (who know who they are) I love you so much for this truly special offer. I appreciate it more than words can express.
My sister is also going through a tough time right now. She is 30 something weeks pregnant and awaiting blood test results to see if she is also a balanced translocation carrier. She has the added stress of her baby’s health but with pregnancy that has gone this far, the chances of her baby having problems is extremly slim. If she is a balanced translocation carrier, then I won’t be able to use her eggs anyway.
So I am in a period of wait and see, which is why I am taking the time to write everything down. Patience is not a particular strength of mine, but this infertility journey is going to necessitate me developing some.
And lastly, I am going to try not to let this process take over my life. If it takes a year, two years or more to get pregnant, I need to continue to enjoy my life in the meantime. I hope writing things down will also allow me to do this.
My next update will be after my genetic counselling appointment and hopefully I will know more.
Until then, for those of you taking the time to read all of this nonsense, I apologise for all of the spelling/grammatical/punctuation errors that no doubt plague this blog. It’s a little to raw for me to go back and read through at this stage. Please feel free to email, message me or add to comments with any corrections. Thanks in advance if you made it to this point 🙂